Right now is the best time to ask your doctor about the loss of interest and drive you’ve been feeling. The ache, the sensitivity.
Could the answer be Farcical™?
Are you and your partner arguing over petty issues? Do you find yourself ambushing them over faux pas or grammatical errors? Does he or she chew food as if it came from a trough? Is your appearance being called into question with finger-pointing and expressions like “that” or “those things”?
Do you grow your toenails extra-long, so you can use them as weapons at night in bed? Have you ever awakened from 8-10 hours of restful sleep to find a part or parts of your body cut away with a kitchen knife?
Then the answer might be Farcical™.
Farcical™ is for the relief of tension caused by irritation in a monogamous relationship. It is not for recreational use or to soften up a partner to sign the pre-nup.
There are risks to the use of Farcical™. Do you experience light-headedness? Do you have a sour or bitter taste in your mouth? Has your partner brought a skillet or other heavy flat cooking pan upside your head? If so, do not take Farcical™.
If experiencing queasiness, nausea or explosive bleeding from the ears, do not employ Farcical™.
Avoid use if you have lost feeling in your toes, possibly from being dangled out a second-story window by your partner’s three truck-driver brothers.
Call your doctor immediately if you feel chills, perhaps from someone slicing or tearing your favorite trousers. Be aware of the chance of searing pain, possibly from heavy or blunt objects being hurled at you from a distance.
Do not use Farcical™ if your partner has tattoos or a prison record. Avoid long-term use, as it may cause a retirement full of cats and stacks of old newspapers cluttering your house.
Tell your doctor if you are taking monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), tricyclics or any other reputable, safe form of antidepressant, like, say, Jose Cuervo or Jack with a Coke back.
Farcical™ is not for use in cases where one partner in a couple has huge honkin’ bags of money and connections with the Russian mafia, as this may lead to blinding, screaming death or even fatigue.
Side effects could include sudden, painful loss of wages, temporary or prolonged homelessness or even discomfort in the lumbar region from getting whanged repeatedly in the small of the back with a 9-iron.
If you develop suicidal thoughts or tendencies, be a guy and aim away from other people. Seriously, dude.
Talk to your doctor and ask if Farcical™ could be right for you. After all, you look tired, sweetheart. Maybe you should get in bed and go to sleep. Just close your eyes, baby ...
Remember Farcical™. Because it’s just a restraining order.
Contact Rodney Richey, 640-4861, rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com.
