Just a few scant weeks ago, this column was started to find amusement in the escapades of celebrities, especially those struggling to hang on to that celebrity status, to point at them and laugh derisively. Those funny, funny Hollywood folk.
This week, it’s not so amusing.
Word came Monday that Lindsay Lohan had checked herself into rehab for a third time, this time at the Cirque Lodge in Sundance, Utah.
A third time.
Read that carefully. Yes, celebrity rehab centers can be puffy places that don’t confront addiction and merely pamper their patients. But still, if you find yourself in rehab three times in less than a year, you’ve got some serious substance issues.
That announcement came hard on the heels of news that another seemingly self-loathing superstar, Britney Spears, had been exhibiting some remarkably odd behavior, quirky stuff, like threatening paparazzi photogs with death.
This isn’t funny. These two girls are on the maglev bullet train to destruction, and no one seems to care. If anyone did care, both girls would be in lockdown somewhere, drying out the hard but permanent way, as well as getting some much-needed psychotherapy.
Of course, as in families of substance abusers, no one wants to be the one to confront or intervene. Just as no one wanted to intervene with Elvis. Or Judy. Or Jimi. Or Janis. Or Kurt. Or Marilyn. Or ...
Somebody get a power of attorney and get these girls some help, before they end up another dead celebrity known by just a first name.
A DOG’S LIFE: Meanwhile, yet another high-profile public figure is in trouble for keeping dangerous dogs. First it was NFL star Michael Vick and the allegations of dogfighting.
And now, actor Ving Rhames is under a cloud because the caretaker on his estate in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles was killed — not just bitten, not just attacked, not just mauled, but killed — on Saturday but two of Rhames’ bull mastiffs, each weighing about 200 pounds.
OK, here’s a guy who had lived on the property for two years. He knew the dogs. The dogs knew him. They were all one big happy family.
Until they killed the guy.
I’m not pointing fingers at any specific dog lovers, and far be it from me to accuse any particular breed of being vicious. After all, it’s how they’re trained, I know.
Still, if an angry spaniel grabs my arm by its teeth, I don’t usually begin worrying for my life.
A WARNING: Sinead O’Connor, the bald singer who infamously tore a picture of Pope John Paul II in half on “Saturday Night Live,” has released a new CD titled “Theology.”
Isn’t that just a little like Ted Nugent recording an album called “All Creatures Great and Small”?
O’Connor says the CD contains songs about love, hope and worship — “my own little response in a tiny way to what is going on politically, spiritually in the world, namely what has gone on since Sept. 11.”
Well, I’m glad she’s calmed down after all these years, but, Sinead, be careful about ticking off popes. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he’s running a tight Vatican.
ALIENS, BAT BOY DESTROY NEWSPAPER: As of Aug. 27, the most delightfully bad, gleefully stupid newspaper ever to publish will be shutting down. The Weekly World News will cease publication after 28 years.
But weep not, for the paper’s Web site — www.weeklyworldnews.com — will soldier on.
Maybe then we can get some video of Bay Boy. Cool.
Rodney Richey, copy editor and columnist of The Herald Bulletin, can be reached at rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com.
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