Near the end of last month, David Freeman, 47, the co-author of a book called “100 Things to Do Before You Die,” died.
Now that’s salesmanship.
We admit, his death itself was tragic: He fell and hit his head at his home in Venice, Calif.
Still, as he had gotten only halfway through his own list, a rich patina of irony glistens across the story.
Freeman’s 1999, co-authored by Neil Teplica, offered some obvious examples of international events to sample – Oktoberfest in Germany, Royal Ascot Races in England, Yom Kippur at the Western Wall in Israel, New Year’s Eve in Times Square – along with some off variants – Burning Man in Nevada, World Cow Chip Throwing Contest in Oklahoma, Australia’s Nude Night Surfing.
Since Freeman wrote his book in 1999, “100 Things to Do Before I Die” lists have sprung up everywhere, from everyday individuals seeking to add adventure to their lives.
This was the topic of conversation recently in the Herald Bulletin newsroom, between me and a seedy, unkempt, desperate thug whom we shall refer to as “Mr. A.” Although his real name is Richard Sitler.
“What’s the deal with these lists?” Mr. A asked plaintively. “They’re everywhere.”
“Yeah, I know,” I muttered. “I said that two paragraphs ago.”
“Oh,” he hesitated. “But still, it’s kind of annoying.”
“True. But so what?”
“Somebody ought to write about it, that’s all.”
I can take a hint.
My feeling, however, is that traveling to all these exotic locations is fine and dandy, but it won’t necessarily change you or your dissatisfaction with your life. That kind of thing comes from within.
A deal’s a deal, though, and so we present:
Several Things to Do in Madison County Before You Die
First, some obvious ones:
1. Explore the mounds at Mounds State Park.
2. Attend a high school sporting event, preferably basketball or football.
3. Walk the White River paths.
4. Tour a glass factory in Elwood.
5. Dangle your feet in the water at Falls Park in Pendleton.
6. Savor the collections of the Anderson Center for the Arts and the Anderson Public Library.
7. Visit the 340-year-old oak tree in Orestes.
But these are, as I said, obvious choices. What are some of the others we might miss, if we don’t look closely enough?
1. Goof off around the statues of the Graces in Anderson Town Center, as though you’re trying to pick one of them up.
2. Get 20 friends and their cars and sit in the lot of Gene’s Root Beer off-season – say, in January, during a blizzard – and eat hot dogs with the windows down.
3. Scale the north face of the Eisenhower Bridge. (This may take a few days.)
4. Break your collarbone sledding down the hill at Shadyside Park in June.
5. Hang around the gates of the Nestle plant and eat Hershey bars.
6. Dress up in a tux, bring four women in slinky, sequiny dresses, walk like a tidal wave through Hoosier Park, drink while laughing uproariously, flash a lot of glittering jewelry, then place one bet in the nickel slots and call it a night.
7. Set up a stand just off the Anderson University campus during the Church of God convention and sell Scientology books.
8. Set up a stand just off the Camp Chesterfield campus and sell books on the Church of God.
9. Go to Anderson Speedway for the Little 500 and sit in the stands reading Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason.”
10. Walk down Walnut Street in Muncie while wearing a T-shirt that says, “Where are the Balls,” a reference, of course, to the Ball family, which founded the university and the hospital.
11. Go to Frasier’s Dairy Maid and say, “Just some coffee, please.”
12. Rent an ice cream truck and drive through neighborhoods with the music blaring, and then never stop.
13. Hit the McDonald’s drive-through and ask what they have on the menu today.
14. Sneak onto the grounds of Anderson High School at night and mow the word “arrrrrrrrgh” into the front lawn.
15. Bribe the cooks in the Highland cafeteria to tell all the customers that the day’s special is haggis.
We should probably stop there, but we hope this offers some enticing suggestions for citizens on how to enjoy the pleasures and attractions available right here in the Land of Kikthawenund.
Just remember to bring a number of a good bail bondsman.
Rodney Richey, columnist and copy editor of The Herald Bulletin, just wants to be granted immortality before he dies. He can be reached at rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com.
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