Dear Steve and Lynelle,

Why is it that when I am on an online dating site and a man seems interested and there is brief communication, they start throwing their e-mail address at me and trying to show pictures that I didn’t ask for or give their IMs and phone numbers?

Many of these men don’t have pictures and that sends up a red flag. I explain to these men that if they would care to chat with me, they can talk to me through the site. I explain that I don’t give out my IM or e-mail much less a phone number unless I am comfortable in doing so. These people get so insulted. I have had a few who understand and have obliged. Many of them don’t reply or keep pestering for my IM/e-mail.

I have learned the hard way about giving out my IM to the point where I had to change my IM. It is a safety valve for me and men don’t seem to like it. 

What am I missing or am I incorrect in doing this?

Steve: This is confusing. First you say men try to show you pictures you don’t want, then you say men don’t have pictures and that’s a red flag. It sounds like you want pictures to see what the guys look like, but they’re obliging too much.

I think online dating would be, in a way, like meeting someone face to face. You want to give out just enough information to keep them interested but manage to keep your distance. There are differences, too. So don’t give your e-mail or IM or phone number or anything else that some weird stalker type could use to hunt you down or pester you into yet another IM change.

If they get angry, cut them off. You’re going to meet a lot of socially maladjusted losers on the Internet, people whose only lives are the Internet, which they use to stoke their fantasies. Also, most people lie about everything all the time. With the safety of Internet anonymity, they can say anything. You would do well not to believe anything some e-addict tells you.

If I were you, I’d shut off the computer and try to meet someone in person. I know, it’s a strange concept, but you’ll be able to size up the person almost immediately and you won’t have to give out any information. Also, they’ll be out and about too, not a prisoner to the Internet.

Lynelle: I agree with Steve, get off the Internet and out in the real world. Online dating sites can be a very good tool these days, but you have to still be careful. I have never used the Internet for dating personally, but a few of my friends have actually married people they met online. So, if online dating is how you would like to meet people, my advice to you is to create a specific e-mail and IM that you ONLY use for online dating contacts; that way, your real e-mail and IM stay private.

Screen these men like you would screen them in real life. Don’t chat up people online or give them personal information you wouldn’t give to someone standing in front of you. As Steve said, your question is a bit confusing because you want to meet people and see their pictures, but it sounds as though you’re getting a lot of creepy responses. To weed out some of these off-putting men (according to tips I found online about how to get the most out of online dating) you should revisit your own profile information and remove anything that may be suggestive or overtly sexual, research the profiles of men who contact you before replying to their e-mails, do not give out any personal information and research the dating sites to ensure they are legitimate before signing yourself up. Ultimately, though, the best advice is what I said before (and Steve before me): Turn off the computer and plug into the real life dating scene! 



Steve and Lynelle want to give you advice! They are always looking for good questions to answer, so pass on your drama, dating disasters, relationship woes and any problems that come your way. Write to them at steveandlynelle@heraldbulletin.com or send a letter to them at 1133 Jackson St., Anderson, IN 46016. Too frustrated to write? Call (765) 640-4863. Advice columnists Steve Dick and Lynelle Miller bring unique perspectives to your problems each Tuesday.