Adventures in Fine Dining, Chapter 1
SANTA CLARITA Calif. — The sun pounded the L.A. area like a cheap steak as my friend Al (short for “Aloysius”) and I stumbled into the blessedly air-conditioned Fatburger in Valencia.
For my Hoosier friends, Fatburger is a chain in the western U.S. According to legend, it was named thusly because each sandwich is “fat” with toppings. Sure.
Fatburger is only one of several L.A. eateries I miss. You got your Hamburger Hamlet, The Habit, The Shack, In-n-Out Burger, Pink’s Hot Dogs, Bob’s Big Boy, Cantor’s Deli, Musso and Frank’s ...
Al and I had been told of a little-known competition going on almost continuously at the Fat. Anyone who could eat one of its sandwiches, plus fries and a drink, would get his picture on “The Wall of Shame.”
The sandwich was called “The Triple King.” The Fat’s regular burger was the King, with a half-pound patty and cheese. So The Triple King was, of course, THREE half-pound patties, plus three slices of cheese, plus toppings, plus a half-pound of fries and an extra-large soda.
That’s all.
Now, Al and I were both big lads. We had done the circuit: franks at Tail O’ the Pup in Beverly Hills, burgers at the oldest surviving McDonald’s in Downey, and that thing they served at Tommy’s Original (supposedly, it’s the first chili-cheeseburger, but it eats like a gallon bag of steak).
No novices to this “living large” concept, we still sat for a moment, not so much out of reverence, but merely to stop perspiring like Lindsay Lohan in a confessional.
“You got The Triple King here?” Al asked the girl at the counter.
“Yes, we do, sir,” she said with all the feigned enthusiasm of a ride worker at Six Flags.
“Load us up,” I said.
We both struggled to carry our trays to the table.
The mound of fries and keg of beverage were daunting enough, but the “sandwich” (such an inadequate word) appeared to be breathing on its own, sweating beef fat and laughing like Jabba the Hutt.
And I was Princess Leia.
“Soon ... you will learn to appreciate me,” it muttered gutturally.
“You ready?” I asked Al, who was fretting over The Triple King as if it were a worrisome philosophical dilemma. Or a pit viper.
Our stubby fingers compressed the sandwiches, to allow that all-important first bite, as Al and I dug into our King Burgers like Vikings sacking a coastal village.
A half hour later, none of that would matter.
A half hour later ...
The insanity of competitive eating was now obvious. It’s gluttonous, we admitted, wasteful and pointless, a sad remnant of our youth and stupidity.
“I was fairly confident, maybe cocky, that I was going to finish it,” Al remembered years later. “Of course, as I do, I ate the fries first. That turned out to be a problematic strategery.”
As for me, I waddled out to the car like a cow strolling into a slaughterhouse, thankful to live through this beef encounter.
Cheeseburgers had lost their appeal. I could smell beef oozing from my pores. I needed a stack of napkins, plus a hot shower. And a couple of handfuls of Lipitor.
Contact Rodney Richey, 640-4861, rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com. He’s so glad that Lea & Perrins makes a thick Worcestershire sauce now.
Columns
Related Photos
Discussion
Rodney Richey: Who’s your king now, huh?
- Columns
-
-
Amish Cook: Trip to replace broken stove allows for family visit
We were glad for the warmer weather last week. Our house didn’t have heat from Wednesday until Saturday morning because the glass on our Hitzer coal stove broke.
-
Susan Miller: Minds made better thanks to lists
Not all lists are created equal. Indeed, there is an art and a science to list crafting.
-
Primus Mootry: Challenge for black leaders in 21st century? Lessons of past
The black experience in America can roughly be divided into five main periods including the slave trade and slavery itself; emancipation (or the end of slavery) and Reconstruction; the Jim Crow era; the Great Migration; and the civil rights era.
-
Jim Bailey: Kids play basketball, but some adults prefer basketbrawl
We’ve heard all too much about the failings of today’s youth. Methinks the blame in most cases is misplaced. Like father like son? Perhaps, which reinforces my point.
-
Jesse Wilkerson: What example should we follow?
In our lifetime we have witnessed real life success stories. We have also seen real life failures. We have witnessed men and women who have achieved success in one area, but failed miserably in others.
-
Emmett Dulaney: The tragedy of the insurance commons
In basic economics, students often hear of the concept of “the tragedy of the commons.” In overly simplistic terms, this is a situation in which many individuals share a limited resource.
-
John Rosemond: Taxpayers are catching on to education fads
The media recently reported “new” research findings to the effect that rewards often backfire and self-esteem is not the wonderful, uplifting personal attribute once thought.
-
Scott Underwood: Introducing THB reporters
We at The Herald Bulletin last week were pleased to add a veteran reporter to our newsroom staff. Stu Hirsch, formerly of The Indianapolis Star, joined our team midweek and his byline was already appearing by Friday.
-
Maleah Stringer: Lyla and Cuddles find happy homes
Every animal who comes to the Animal Protection League matters and deserves compassionate and humane treatment. They deserve our effort.
-
Theresa Timmons: An opinion on couponers
I try to avoid opinions, mainly because I am the only female in my house and I am not really allowed to have them.
- More Columns Headlines
-
Amish Cook: Trip to replace broken stove allows for family visit
White House Attacks Romney on Birth Control
Homs Bombardment Continues, Global Outcry Grows
Mo. Teen Gets Life Sentence for Killing Girl, 9
Lower-hassle Screening to Be Tested at Airports
Raw Video: Dog Rescued From Icy Colo. Water
Helmet Camera Captures Calif. Fire Rescue
Worker Tells 911: Powell 'exploded the House'
Triple Win: Santorum Takes Minn., Mo., Colo.
Injured Marine Inspired by Homecoming
No Rape Charges Against Son of NYPD Commissioner
Egypt's Ruling Generals Play Risky Game With US
Former Komen Exec Defends Funding Cut
Skip the Coffee Cup and Inhale Your Caffeine Fix
Calif. Gay Marriage Ban Ruled Unconstitutional
Jury Selection for Ex-UVa Athlete Enters 2nd Day
Cab Driver Helps Wis. Family Escape House Fire
Staff Removed at LA School During Abuse Probe
Runaway Goat Leads Police on Wild Chase
