For starters, I parked a block away. Second, I wore a hat and sunglasses, with my collar pulled up, in case someone recognized me.
Third, I brought cash, lots of it, so there would be no paper trail.
I’d never been to one of “those” stores before, not even in college. There had been something taboo about those stores, something unseemly and wrong.
Taking a glance around, I stepped inside the door.
“Good morning, sir!” the impossibly friendly cashier bellowed. “Welcome to Happy Family General 95-Cent Warehouse Store! Would you like a cart?”
“Uh, no, I’m just looking.”
“Would you like help finding anything?”
“No, just looking.”
“Are you familiar with our stores?”
“No, looking!” I spat out emphatically. What’s with the third degree? Why was she grilling me?
Ducking behind the first aisle, I scanned the shelves, to discover what sort of illicit “merchandise” was there.
Hmm, boxes of generic cereal, with names like “Frootie Hoops” “Sugar Nuggets” and “Kornie Klusters.” Cans of condensed soup with a suspicious red-and-white label and the name “Kamm Bowls.” A spectrum of nonspecific beverages in 5-liter bottles, with handgrips.
Then, on the next shelf, were rows and rows of snack cakes, chocolate ones, vanilla ones, coconut ones, with the brand name “Li’l Beckee.”
Cheap knockoffs of Little Debbie? Was that possible?
I began to realize that the whole store was an affront to the American economic system. Here, among these sordid displays, products were sold for pennies on the dollar and WITHOUT BRAND NAMES. This ran counter to my country’s philosophy, which for the past 50 years had touted brand loyalty, even over love of family.
Here was “Clearex” bleach for 80 cents a bottle. “Krappt” brand macaroni and “cheazz.” Anything that could be preserved for long shelf life was here, usually with brand names from some alternate universe.
To be fair, there was meat available, in tin cans. There was milk, both fresh and powdered.
Still, among the clientele, I saw an old woman obviously on a fixed income. A divorced father picking up treats for his kids. A family on a budget. They all had to shop here. It was the only way to get by.
This led me to a startling conclusion: Most of what I needed could be bought here for half off or more. Some of it might not be as good as its “famous” progenitor, but for my uses, it would do just fine.
And I’d save a bundle.
I brought my items to the checkout proudly. I stood in line without shame, my sunglasses and hat discarded, others looking directly at me. I didn’t care. I was saving money.
As the cashier rang up the purchases, she chirped, “You know, if you give us your name and e-mail, we can send you news about unadvertised specials.”
“That would be great!” I said with a smile.
“What’s your name, sir?”
“Scott Underwood.”
Contact Rodney Richey, 640-4861, rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com. But wait! There’s more!
Columns
Related Photos
Discussion
Rodney Richey: Take a shop on the wild side
- Columns
-
-
Amish Cook: When child is sick, motherly nurturing instinct kicks in
The sun is always welcome at this time of the year. The ground is covered with snow again, and the temperatures are colder. It finally feels like winter.
-
Susan Miller: In business dining, good taste means more than food
A successful business meal requires more than making a lunch date. A deal can sometimes be sealed over the table, but more often than not, a business lunch provides an opportunity to build rapport and learn about your dining companion’s business.
-
Primus Mootry: Black leadership in 21st century — lessons from the past
This is the fourth in a series of articles concerning various facts and opinions about black history, how that history affects black leadership today, and what I think are the implications for black leadership in the future. It’s a much weightier subject than I thought.
-
Jim Bailey: Winter of our discontent depends on our agenda
There’s nothing like a mild winter to bring out the members of our society whose agenda includes the propagation of the fear of global warming.
-
Emmett Dulaney: When Twitter backfires
Twitter, that innocuous social media tool that lets users send out 140 character snippets to their followers, is being used more and more as a marketing tool.
-
John Williams: Valentine tip from Social Security
Valentine’s Day is a popular time of year for proclamations of love. Such displays of affection can be as simple and sweet as a heart with a “be mine” message, or as life altering as a vow before the altar.
-
Scott Underwood: TV section alterations on the way
Two Sundays ago, The Herald Bulletin introduced a new product called Click, replacing the TV Week section. Like TV Week, Click includes TV listings grids, sports listings and Sudoku and crossword puzzles.
-
'Big Joe' Clark: The $100 million IRA - and how to get one
Is it possible to save $100 million? No, but it is possible to invest and end up with that sum of money. Mitt Romney is not alone; there are others with mega IRAs.
-
Analysis: Exceptional voice seemed lost in Houston's excessive fame
Whitney Houston’s numerous comeback attempts never gelled into anything the public cared about.
-
Brian Howey: Automotive factor explains why Obama opens Indiana office
On Thursday, the Obama for America campaign opened up an office in Indiana, a state with a century-old love affair with the internal combustion engine.
- More Columns Headlines
-
Amish Cook: When child is sick, motherly nurturing instinct kicks in
Top Bargainers Announce Payroll Tax Cut Deal
Student Photos 'hijacked', Used on Porn Site
Should U.S. Arm Medevacs in Afghanistan?
Foreclosures Rise Only Slightly, More Expected
Old Friends, New Mission: China VP Visits Iowa
Jeremy Lin a Slam-dunk for Knicks and Fans
Defense Begins in UVA Player Murder Trial
More Than 350 Die in Honduran Prison Fire
Defiant Iran Loads Own Fuel Rods Into Reactor
Raw Video: Syrian Army, Rebels Battle in Homs
Video Essay: Saving the Miami Blue Butterfly
NYPD Officer Shot During Subway Confrontation
Iranian Boats Shadow US Aircraft Carrier in Gulf
Hundreds Rally Against Alabama Immigration Law
Whitney Houston Funeral to Be Invitation Only
New Details in Search for Missing Utah Mom
Raw Video: Protesters, Security Clash in Bahrain
School Pays Students to Attend Class
Trial Opens for Ala. Man in Bride's Diving Death
Baltimore's 'Crime Stopper' Is a Basketball Star
