PENDLETON, Ind. —
He was one of the most charming and charismatic men that Sandi Martin-Frizzell had ever met.
“I thought he was the love of my life,” Sandi, 57, said. “He turned out to be the devil incarnate.”
It didn’t take long for her to discover he was violent, controlling and manipulative. But it took her 28 years to escape it. Now, divorced for 11 years, she’s finally able to talk about the pain.
“I lived in secrecy for so long,” she said. “In the back of my head I was still afraid of him; afraid he was still there.”
Sandi was only 19 when the two met. They were married 28 years.
During that time, the relationship progressively worsened. His temper turned “explosive,” she said. Sandi walked on egg shells trying to meet her spouse’s unrealistic expectations; it was a way to keep the abuse at bay. But repairing the marriage became impossible.
The abuse wasn’t just physical. He controlled Sandi by isolating her from friends and family. He made her feel worthless, like no one would want her, like she had brought on the abuse herself.
“It got to the point where all of it was normal to me. It was routine,” Sandi said. “I didn’t grow up saying, ‘I want to be an abused wife when I grow up,’ but gradually that’s what I became.
“You are conditioned to think it is all your fault,“ Sandi said. “And I always thought that if I did things better he would change. I told myself, ‘This isn’t the man I fell in love with.‘ Apparently it was though.“
And when she could muster the courage to leave, he would threaten to hurt or kill her and their three children.
“I was terrified.”
But after the children were grown and moved away she knew they were safe. She continued to stay until she broke.
“I was depressed and sitting at the kitchen table when he set a bunch of pill bottles in front of me and said, ‘Why don’t you put me and yourself out of our misery,’” Sandi said. “I decided that day to leave.”
Now, Sandi is happily remarried and enjoys spending her time with her children and three grandchildren. She still has her struggles with past abuse but said she feels happy and safe.
“It’s a process; you have to learn how to do everything, how life is supposed to be, all over again.”
Find Abbey Doyle on Facebook and @heraldbulletin on Twitter, or call 640-4805.
Faces of Domestic Violence
Sandi Martin-Frizzell: 'All of it was normal'
Abuse survivor says there is life after traumatic events
- Faces of Domestic Violence
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Who can stop domestic violence? You
The elimination of abuse in relationships — with time, cooperation and commitment — is possible, said Colleen Yeakle, coordinator of the Indiana Coalition of Domestic Violence’s (ICADV) prevention initiative.
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Legislation comes a long way, but more change needed
Each year the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence sets its legislative priorities based on year-round discussions with its members and legislators to see what needs are out there and what is going on in the field.
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Children affected by abuse too
While some may think the atmosphere at Alternatives, the Anderson domestic violence shelter, would be a somber one, instead it is a building filled with laughter and joy.
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Kristy Gissendanner: 'Vivacious and sweet'
Six-day-old Gabrielle Gissendanner and her 18-month-old brother Michael weren’t far from their mom when Harry Gissendanner shot and killed Kristy in their Anderson home in 2004.
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John Davis: ‘Defined by your actions and inactions’
John Davis wants his pain to make a difference. He’s hopeful sharing what he experienced and witnessed growing up will empower someone else to leave a dangerous situation or avoid it altogether.
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‘It was life-altering’
Casey Huffman should have taken her son Camdon to his first day of kindergarten this year. She should be picking out a Halloween costume for him. She should be thinking about how to help him achieve his hopes and dreams. Instead, Casey mourns over his all-too-early death.
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Tina Tomlinson: 'She was a hoot'
Tina Tomlinson was just “plain fun,” her family recalled. The mother of two and dedicated grandmother was someone family could look to for a good time.
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Domestic violence prevention is possible, expert says
Gender stereotypes are just one thing that Todd Cawthorn and five other speakers, during a 90-minute panel discussion Tuesday night, talked about that create an environment where domestic violence is accepted.
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Teens can be victims of domestic violence, too
Dating violence has been seen locally in relationships as young as sixth grade, Alternatives Inc. prevention specialist Todd Cawthorn said.
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Justice for victims
While a protective order is an important piece of the legal puzzle that domestic violence victims have to solve, Judge Stephen Clase stresses to each that it is, after all, “just a piece of paper.” “They won’t stop a knife or a bullet,” he said. “I tell them they need to be on guard at all times.”
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