The following story is true. Unfortunately.
Fred” had been with me for almost 25 years. We were tight, and Fred never left my side. Through victories and tragedies, I always knew Fred would be there.
One day in 2007, however, it became clear: Fred had to be cut out of my life.
He was a sebaceous cyst.
Located strategically in my right arm pit, Fred was a tough competitor. When my hair left me, Fred stayed put. When I lost my figure to middle age, Fred was stalwart. (Get it? “Stalled wart”?)
At first, he was barely there, a pea-sized nodule. As a precaution, I talked to my doctor.
“Doc, I’m dying!” I asked, tears flowing free.
“Geez, Richey, pipe down,” said “Doc,” my doctor. “I got patients in the next room.”
As I tore my garment and raised my hands toward the heavens, Doc said that, from its texture, Fred was just a tiny cyst.
Kissing Doc fully on the mouth, I strolled out of the office, whistling at the birds in the trees. Meanwhile, Doc scrubbed his mouth with a sterile rinse.
Two decades later, back from L.A., I checked in with “Doc,” who took me back as a patient, despite my exuberant hypochondria and inappropriate displays of affection.
“So, how’s Fred?” Doc asked with a smile.
I raised my right arm.
“Mother of Morgan Freeman!” Doc shouted, pointing with alarm.
Fred, you see, had grown to the size of a small grapefruit. I looked like I was blocking unsightly perspiration with a softball.
Hurriedly, his staff cleared the waiting room and, therefore, the blast radius. All scrubbed in and set to work.
Lying prone on a table, my right arm extended back, I looked like a Nazi passed out at a rally. After numbing the area, Doc made the first incision.
Fred burst like a malignant blister. Warm water trickled down my side.
“We need to get all of this out,” Doc told his staff. “Otherwise, it’ll return.”
As Doc returned to his mission, the enemy detonated a chemical weapon.
“What in Ed’s name is that?” I blurted, my nose curling up into my sinuses.
Evidently, Fred was not just a sebaceous cyst, but also a “keratinous cyst.” It is as unpleasant as its name suggests. Take a cyst, bury it in your armpit for 20 years, then lay it open like a trout. A trout that has been dead in someone’s backseat. For two months. July and August.
Keratin smells like feet. Hundreds of them. Distilled into a pickle jar.
The veteran nurses swooned like Justin Bieber groupies. Doc hung in there, though his nose hair had begun to fall out.
In the end, Fred was defeated. All that remained was an inch-wide scar and the half-life of whatever biological toxin Fred released.
Less than a year later, Doc moved into a new suite of offices. But me? I can’t move on.
Freddy’s dead.
Contact Rodney Richey, whose shirts fit better these days, at 640-4861, rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com.
Local Columns
Related Photos
-
Rodney Richey
Discussion
Rodney Richey: It was a time for personal growth
- Local Columns
-
-
Jim Bailey: Longtime relationship of Erskine, Wilson spoke volumes
They were, in the words of Carl Erskine, “two skinny kids from the west side of Anderson, two dirty kids trying to do the right thing.”
-
Susan Miller: Beware a big mic with no message
Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan recently noted, “This is the problem of the world today: Big mic, no message.”
-
Maleah Stringer: Demand stricter laws against animal abuse
Once again Anderson made top headlines for animal abuse: the brutal killing of a the momma dog and all her puppies.
-
Don McAllister: The War of the Red Tails, the airmen of Tuskegee
Every day starts a new story, and a recent one is the movie “Red Tails,” the story of the Tuskegee Airmen.
-
Heather Bremer: You can stay a Manning fan and still be loyal to Colts
I am not nor have I ever been a fan of the New Orleans Saints or San Diego Chargers.
-
Jim Bailey: Just one kid’s song can brighten many people’s day
Gracie, our 4-year-old youngest granddaughter, has a mind of her own. There isn’t much she’s afraid of. And now I’m beginning to suspect she takes after her Aunt Rachel.
-
Emmett Dulaney: Using a convenience sample can lead to meaningless results
You may not know this, but I seem to be considered something of an expert in the field of printing — particularly when it comes to the HP model M4345.
-
Emmett Dulaney: When Twitter backfires
Twitter, that innocuous social media tool that lets users send out 140 character snippets to their followers, is being used more and more as a marketing tool.
-
Maleah Stringer: Be truthful when filling out an application to adopt a pet
Animal shelters, humane societies and animal rescue groups across the country use adoption applications to screen applicants.
-
Jim Bailey: Plenty of sports celebrities have spoken in Anderson
Those who like to hear about their favorite sports from the horse’s mouth have had plenty of opportunities over the years in Anderson.
- More Local Columns Headlines
-
