It’s obvious that this columnist has hit a dry spell when he starts to ponder all the things that just don’t matter to him.
The gossip mags, televangelists, news reporters and TV aficionados rave about things that seem important to them. I couldn’t care less.
So here is a hastily assembled list of some of the things I wouldn’t miss if they never happened again and some of the people to which they seem to happen with monotonous regularity.
- Speculation as to when time on Earth will end. It will end for me when I die. And as Julius Caesar is said to have muttered, “…death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.”
- Anything at all involving the name Kardashian.
- While we’re at it, anything involving Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears or Justin Bieber.
- Whether so-called gay marriage ever becomes legal in Indiana, or any other state for that matter. I doubt it will make one iota of difference in the rate or status of traditional marriage, since east is east and west is west, and as far as meeting the classical definition of marriage, gay marriage doesn’t.
- While we’re on that subject, the fatherhood of Elton John and David Furnish. That raises two questions: Who’s your surrogate mama and who’s your daddy?
- Whether or not a foot-long sub at Subway is only 11 inches long. Somebody must have too much time on their hands.
- Indianapolis getting a professional soccer team.
- Anything about Manti Te’o’s late online girlfriend. Or not.
- Who took performance-enhancing drugs and when and why. Enhanced performance is the name of the game, and steroid-type stuff mainly hurts the ones who take it.
- Whether Beyonce sang “The Star-Spangled Banner” live at the inauguration or it was Memorex, which she now admits. It was her voice either way.
- Who will become the Biggest Loser. Given the killer regimen they go through to take off ugly avoirdupois, I just know it won’t be me. Oh, I’m a loser all right, and that doesn’t refer to weight loss.
- Any other reality TV show. If they are anything, it isn’t reality.
- What the best deal is on bundling my cable TV, computer, cell phone, land phone and any other technological gimmick they can come up with. What part of I’m happy with what I have don’t they understand?
- Whether county officials should or should not be bound by union agreements with the county’s umbrella boards.
- Zumba. I’m too old for that stuff.
- Political intransigence, from city government to Washington. Come let us reason together and do it my way.
- Global warming. The Earth will probably get warmer, or maybe cool off, and disasters will always be part of existence on this planet. But I have my doubts whether Earth contains the seeds for its own destruction.
Jim Bailey’s column appears on Wednesday. He can be reached by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.