Dear Steve and Lynelle,

I am a 38-year-old female and started the relationship game in my early 30s. I feel I have missed out valuable learning parts of dating and relationships from my 20s and feel quite naive in this game. This is from my experience of four relationships and nine break ups, all very intense at the beginning and all ended with the men leaving (and breaking my heart), saying “You’re very special but I am not what you are looking for” or “I cannot give you what you want.”

My question to you is what are the essentials of having a relationship? I really want a man to be fired up over and spend my life with. But I feel I am doing something terribly wrong in choosing.



Lynelle: Wow, I have to admit, this is a tough question for me. Let’s just say “Dating for Dummies” isn’t looking to hire me anytime soon. I think everyone in the dating world is looking for what you are looking for — the mother of all advice. I don’t think that one piece of advice exists.

I do have a small tidbits that may be helpful, though.

1. Keep the pressure off when dating. If you look at dating as something fun and exciting more than “I must find a mate right now” I think this allows relationships to progress naturally and doesn’t push you (or the other person) into anything too quickly. This will help avoid another “intense” relationship that fizzles. I know you want to be “fired up” over someone, but let that happen naturally, don’t push it.

2. When looking to meet people, go to places of your interest. For instance, if you are not a party-type person or don’t like drinking, a bar is not the best place to look for someone. If you attend church, (yes, here it is once again) like I always say, it’s a great place to meet someone. If you like to read, try meeting someone in the library. If you like to do art, try taking an art class and talking with people. Doing this will not only ensure you have one thing in common, but it gives you something to talk about.

3. Don’t hesitate to ask friends and family for help. Ask them if they know someone they could set you up with. I’m not talking being set up constantly with blind dates, but ask them to keep their eyes open as well. Let them help you.

4. Get involved. Don’t sit at home. Go to barbecues, birthday parties and other events you are invited to. Good people pop up in the most unusual places.

As for keeping a relationship going, I think No. 1 is my best advice in that area. Just don’t put pressure on yourself or the other person. Let things develop naturally. I know this is tough — I’m a girl for goodness sake — but I think it’s key to a good relationship.

You will find someone who you can be “fired up” over and vice versa, just give it some time. Don’t let what’s happened in the past spoil your future. Keep the pressure off and have some fun.

Another good bit of advice that I always like to give other women is to realize that you are complete without a man. Yes, you may want one, that is fine, but women make better partners when they are OK with who they are as a person. Don’t let a man define you. (I’m done with the sappy, cliché advice now.) Have some fun, relax and keep yourself open. I know this is all easier said than done, but stay positive. I believe there is a special someone out there for everyone, it just takes a little patience to find them.



Steve: With the length of that answer above, I think Lynelle could write a book on this one. But no book has been written that tells you how to make someone fall in love with you, and that’s what you’re looking for.

I don’t know how you’re acting in these relationships, but it sounds like you’re desperate for a man to be head over heels about you. They can sense this and beat a hasty retreat. The two quotes you give from men are classic exit lines, blaming it on themselves.

Lynelle’s advice is sound. Go on dates, but don’t expect a heckuva lot. It takes time to develop feelings for other people. I suppose there is such a thing as love at first sight, but I think it’s probably more lust at first sight.

The essentials of a relationship? I think you mean the essentials of getting started. Lynelle urges you to realize that you are complete without a man. That’s important. It gives you an air of confidence, and lets them know you’re worth pursuing.

Keep them guessing. Keep an air of mystery about you, and don’t bare your soul on a first date. Show interest but keep your distance. Learn how to read your dates, and you’ll quickly sum up what kind of person he is and whether you want to spend more time with him.

Your age has something to do with this. You feel you’ve missed out on something and want to make up for lost time. You’ll have to train yourself to be patient, and realize that most of the guys you meet won’t even rate a second date.

You’re not doing anything wrong with your choosing. Just use a more guarded attitude when you’re out with someone. I hope you find a man who’s fired up about you.



Steve and Lynelle want to give you advice! They are always looking for good questions to answer, so pass on your drama, dating disasters, relationship woes and any problems that come your way. Write to them at steveandlynelle@heraldbulletin.com or send a letter to them at 1133 Jackson St., Anderson, IN 46016. Too frustrated to write? Call Steve at (765) 640-4863 or Lynelle at (765) 640-4847. Advice columnists Steve Dick and Lynelle Miller bring unique perspectives to your problems each Tuesday.